As I am waiting for the phone call to tell when's the date for my son's 6th surgery for his brain tumor, it's impressed on me to share this with you. See, it is my heart's desire to live transparently for the glory of the Lord. Because of the nature of my son's diagnosis, we have faced a lot of turmoil, trials, and suffering, and we have been put in contact with others that are also hurting. One comment that we receive over and over is that we are such strong people or that the Lord must know we are so strong and that's why He has given us such a hard road to walk.
Nothing could be farther from the truth!
We struggle. We hurt. We cry. We lose our patience. We grieve. We wrestle with the responsibility of having to make life-death decisions for someone else. We are overwhelmed. Sometimes we don't even have the words. It is not our strength. If you only knew what a weak vessel that I am! See, my nephew was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor at 14 months...a year before Isaiah was. I was overcome and vividly remember thinking, "I can not imagine if that was my child. I could not handle it." Little did I know that would be us a year later..almost a year to the same week. Understand that the Lord was preparing me and showing me that I was right. I don't have the strength. I never do. But I have something better!
As His child, I have the Holy Spirit..the Great Comforter! Daily, and sometimes moment-by-moment, I am strengthened by the Lord. I have others praying for me/us. We tend to trivialize the power of prayer but it is the greatest thing we can do for ourselves and others! How do I know? Because when we get that bad news, my first thought is "Lord, give me the strength! I can't do this! It has to be You!" And He is always there. We physically, emotionally, and spiritually feel His strength when we know that we don't have any left in our bodies.
Don't get me wrong-it's still hard. It doesn't take away all the human emotions that we feel or the responsibility that we have. But, it does give us peace and calm in that situation/moment. Under it all, His is our anchor that keeps us grounded. I know without a doubt that without Him, I would be drowning in these storms. I cannot imagine going through any of this without Him, even though we see other families that are. For them, there is no peace, no sense of Hope or understanding...only bitterness, anger, confusion, lostness.
Before you think that somehow I was created stronger than you or that I can handle more than you, take your eyes off me and put them where they belong...on the Lord. Because the strength you see when you look at me is not mine..it's His and His alone.
I can honestly say that my husband and I have peace regardless of the outcome from this surgery...and we are truly facing a possibility that our son will not make it through the surgery or will never be the same child afterward. We have had to lay him on the altar of the Lord, trusting He knows better than us, understanding our children are not really ours but we are stewards of precious gifts given by the Lord for a time, and are secured in Romans 8:28 (For we know that all things are working together for good to those that love the Lord and are called according to His purposes).
I found the lyrics to this song and wanted to share it. It's a call to live transparently, too. It is by Tenth Avenue North "Healing Begins":
So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside
So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear
So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh
This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us
This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark
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